067 - Mister Rogo's Neighborhood
Living my west life in Manhattan's no-man's-land
Yes, Virginia, there is a 12th Avenue
Early maps labeled it “No-Man’s-Hattan-Land.”
Realtors christened it “LUFaWS” — “Lower Upper Far West Side.”
Recently, there’s been a push to rebrand it “SoCo” — “South of the Congestion toll.”
Most locals prefer to refer to it by its colloquial nickname, “Hell’s Ghost Kitchen.”
I call it: “Home.”
Of the dozen-odd addresses I’ve occupied across my fifteen years in New York, none has sparked more curiosity than the one I’ve been claiming these past few months, in exile from my broken engagement.
They allow people to live there?
I didn’t know those cross streets existed.
Is that technically New Jersey?
I’m here to tell you: 58th and 12th is real, and it’s spectacular.
C’mon! I’ll show you around!
Where the Hudson River meets the Hustler Club
It’s a neighborhly day in this beautywood… where trash-lined blocks and verbally abusive vermin combine to create the kind of shabby-chic atmosphere and vibrant soundscape one would expect to find being so close to the heart of it all (“it all” being the Department of Sanitation’s District 7 Garage Facility).
Nestled beside the dumpster behind Hell’s Kitchen and knocking at Manhattan’s back door, this “Gateway to the Highway” offers unparalleled access to the bridges and tunnels that will get you the hell out of New York. Go north to Westchester, and tour the DMX estate at Mount Vernon — now a National Historic Landmark! Go west to Weehawken, and maybe run into Amani Toomer and his kids at the playground! Don’t bother the guy for an autograph, he’s with his family for chrissakes.
Enjoy the drab character and architectural insignificance of 11th Avenue, a bustling retail corridor where conscious consumers can shop sustainably and source locally for everything from Land Rovers to MINI Coopers among its many women-owned, factory-to-floor automotive dealerships.
Perfectly positioned a mere twenty-minute walk to the nearest subway station and serviced by several CitiBike racks that are always empty when you need one and completely full when you need to dock one, you’ll come to appreciate the unexpected serenity in the chorus of neighbors silently cursing themselves as they embark once again on the long, perilous trek towards civilization.
For adventures seeking a true native experience, take a “bush taxi” by hopping onto the back of any passing UPS truck as it rumbles out of the 12th Avenue distribution center. You may not know where you’re going, but you’ll get there in 2-5 days!
The proximity to prime waterfront features can’t be understated. Luxuriate in your front-row seat to nature’s ongoing cycle of regurgitation, embodied by the former open sewer that is the mighty Hudson. Don’t be afraid to join the locals in slipping into her murky, mercury-laded waters for an intoxicated, late-night swim.
What other Big Apple enclave puts you mere steps from the Carnival Cruise terminal — where you’re mere steps from the norovirus, and only minutes from accidental drownings?
Who needs timeless charm when you can have a charmless time dodging the standing puddles of urine and piles of inscrutable excrement at your feet — and who needs entertainment options when you can star as both host and contestant in your very own man-on-the-street game show, Is It Human?
Whether you’re a superfan of the Intrepid Museum or you’ve dreamed of being trampled by a desperate Central Park carriage horse trying to flee the stables, LUFaWS is the place to be — when you urgently need a budget-friendly place to be!
That ringing in your ear? It’s not just from the ambulances steadily screaming down 57th Street and streaming into Mount Sinai West’s ER, it’s Tinker Bell whispering for you to embrace your inner pioneer and head out for the frontier. It’s the sound of being called home.
Would you be mine? Could you be mine?
Oh btw, I’m out of here January 1st.
PEACE!
Good to hear you're back! Reach out any time you want to talk satire or trivia!